Monday, April 23, 2018

The Archer and the Cocoon

So, I've lived my life constructing this cocoon. I've picked and chosen the best things whenever possible - things I've tried and found to be supportive of my faith, what I know deep down to be true. And I think that was right. With my hand in God's, to the best of my ability, I think I carried out His vision for my home and my family.
But God is bigger than me. His thoughts are not my thoughts, nor His plans mine. He very recently challenged my view of my future and, abruptly jolted me out of comfort into an unknown one. I'd had the audacity to assume I had it figured out - me and God - we were in synch, this was His plan, and it would remain so. He put up with that notion for a bit, but now he is changing me. And it hurts. It's scary. And new and wonderful at the same time. But it's both. Wouldn't it be fine if it was always wonderful, but it's not. It's both.
Parts of me have relocated, and I'm tempted to replicate where I came from. But God told Lot, "Don't look back." Am I looking back? Or am I using the gifts God gave me for their purpose? I don't know yet. I know what I know how to do, but I don't know my next steps.
Well, I know enough to stay put until I'm told to proceed. I grieve for those I left behind, my humanity telling me that I need them - how can I possibly go on without them. And then God gives me the experience of being ministered TO, as opposed to ministering, which I've done for 14 years plus. And he places a person there who immediately senses my struggle and has the confidence not to take it personally, but to probe the source: A new person; someone completely unknown to me, who represents the new life that, 6 months ago, I had no idea I'd be entering.
Only God. That is what I'm floored by. Only God has so many arrows in His quiver - you think you have everything you need - but He supersedes your knowledge and when God chooses an arrow, He doesn't miss. I'd no idea I needed her.
Thank you, God, for this salve while you move me on. I'll try not to look back. Help me to only hear Your voice. I don't want to follow any other.