I'd wanted babies from my babyhood. I was the kid who had so many baby dolls I'd line them up and count them, then forget how many I had, and I'd willingly do it again. I couldn't part with a one of them. I had several I was totally devoted to. As I became an adolescent, my desire was to be married and have real babies. This outweighed my common sense, my wisdom, and my desire for an education, which my father insisted was important. I only wanted to be a mom.
I tripped my way into the adult world, and found that you don't know a person until you've gotten past the front they present; that sometimes you lie to yourself about who you are with because you fixate on their qualities that are admirable - everyone has those; that for a time, a person can change, but that you need to know their relaxed off-guard self before you know if you're really compatible. We weren't. I tried, again and again, to make myself equal to the task of being his wife. It was following a time of turmoil, when I came back to try again, that you were begun.
You presented yourself when I was a young, chaotic, traumatized, confused, disheartened, hopeful 22-year-old. And from your very existence forward, everything changed. Once I knew you were coming, everything aligned. There was still a new direction to take, to bring you to healthy adulthood, but I began to know my purpose, and who I was, and what my priorities were.
The marriage didn't last much longer after that. It was gut-wrenching to leave, but impossible to stay. We did everything we could to make it amicable, and suffered the most from the parting when the other was spending time with you. But I am positive, looking back, that leaving was right - that if I hadn't left on my own power, I would have self-destructed. I would not have had the strength to raise you with love if I was with him, and your future trumped everything. Yes, I was selfish to conceive you in that state, but I already revealed that I was confused and chaotic then. As a very wise person once told me, "Desperate people do desperate things." As it turned out, you are the best mistake I ever made.
It was you and me in the years that followed. We had bunk beds in my mom's home. She lovingly, and uncritically took us in, and she and my sister watched you while I realigned my life, coaching gymnastics to provide for us, and re-starting my education by taking a Psychology Through the Lifespan class. I related everything I was learning to you, and I was fascinated. I'd take you to class and to the library with me when I didn't have a sitter and you were so well behaved. I continued until I got my degree in psychology.
I wish I could say that I made no more mistakes, but that would not be true. But in my Junior year of college, I met Dan. Again, my life aligned with my dreams and you and I became settled into a family. Joining with a man with two boys of his own was not easy by any estimation, but oh, it was worth it. He was totally devoted and focused on the success of our family, and we met any challenges as a team, which gave strength to our family.
It's been 26 years since our family was joined, 22 years since our Charlie, and then our Sam came and blessed our whole family with a unity we may not have achieved without them; a focus, a shared love. The meandering path I took in this life brought me you and then Dan, and then two boys and two babies. Is it not obvious? It was all right - it was ALL right. Despite that crooked path, I have everything I wanted as a little girl.
The picture is of me holding you on the black sand beach in Hawaii, a beach that no longer exists, covered over later with lava from a subsequent volcanic eruption. And like that beach, you and I are not what we once were - embroiled in a life of doubt and confusion - but we've realized our first dreams. The expression on my face of total contentment with you in my arms doesn't reflect the challenges that followed, but the sureness of the path I was on, however indirect. I, in mine, soon with the man of my dreams and precious family around me, and you with your Jimmie, who blesses us all in so many ways as a positive light, a reliable father, who brings laughter and kindness. I am so grateful for the life that I've lived, in its totality. I don't focus on the challenges that brought me here - it's God's hand - the blessings and second chances and third-second chances that renewed it and allow me now to look back and know that it's been good....wonderful-good, and that He began with you.
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